Tails

I’m in pre-production on my second film. I regret not keeping a journal when making my first film. I remember there were times when I was convinced the first feature wasn’t going to come together or was about to fall apart. But it didn’t. And because it didn’t, those terrifying moments have faded in my memory. Now I’m trying to pull those moments back up to help reassure myself that I’ve been here before and I figured it out anyway. And I’ll make it through again.

I’m sure this will be very therapeutic in the moment (which is particularly helpful since my health insurance only covers 15 therapy sessions per year). This project is particularly tough because I’m making it with my spouse as a department head. Disagreements quickly become heated with our additional life baggage behind them.

Also, if I may be so presumptuous, this is a little bit of a log for my future self to look back on to make myself feel better when I’m making my future films. God willing.

I’m going to end each day exhausted. Physically and emotionally. So I am not going to hold myself to my normal set of writing standards. It probably won’t sound very much like my normal “writing” voice. But it will be an honest version of me during some very raw moments. 

Today sucked. 

We scouted a location that I was really excited about and everyone had to gently tell me that it was awful for a variety of logistical reasons. We had to drive several hours to get there. It felt like an awful waste of everyone’s time, money, energy. Everything. 

My spouse accused me of being a bad parent for pushing forward with scouting with our child in tow after our childcare for the day fell through at the last minute. I think if the scout had been more positive that bringing a kid would have just been a cute photo op. 

Casting is moving forward, but slowly. And with less than a month before we start filming, costumes is starting to make me anxious. Even when I make a casting decision, it’s still days if not weeks before the actors deal is closed and we can get their sizes. It’s not a smart thing to hold hostage if at the end of the day it will make the actor look worse. Literally. 

Yesterday, I emailed my lead actor telling them I’m excited to have them on board and to give them some movie recs. 

They haven’t responded back. 

At least my crew is gracious and supportive. For now. Definitely can’t have another scout day like today if I’m going to keep them on board. They immediately spring into action suggesting alternative location solutions and reaching out to check their availability. I have no idea what I would do without them. 

Tomorrow is more scouting and more casting. It’s 1am. I have to get up in 5 hours.

I just hope people keep showing up and responding to emails.